


i've grown tired of this body

by unbridgeabledistances



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/F, Genderqueer Character, also a heart to heart between korra and kyoshi, basically korra's internal monologue, just some good gay feels, takes place across the arch of the series, with a tiny bit of additional korrasami content in the spirit world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:02:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26141560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unbridgeabledistances/pseuds/unbridgeabledistances
Summary: She feels herself wanting to tell all of this to Asami- of all the people in her life, Asami is the one who seems to get this stuff, who’s always offering to listen if Korra needs it. She doesn’t even know how she would word it;Dear Asami, I feel like I’m in-between in so many ways and everyone expects too much from me. Also, every time that I’m near you I feel all spacey and incoherent and like there’s a swarm of bees in my chest, even though everyone keeps making comments about me dating someone that makes sense, like Mako. Love, Korra.Ugh.Or, Korra starts to realize that she’s genderqueer.
Relationships: Korra & Kyoshi (Avatar), Korra/Asami Sato, Kyoshi/Rangi (Avatar)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 91





	i've grown tired of this body

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I got this idea for genderqueer Korra when I was driving to the grocery store today (lol) and immediately sped home to write it- hastily written but I hope this makes some of y’all feel warm and fuzzy with genderqueer rep! <3
> 
> Also we are going to pretend that Korra can still talk to her past lives in S4 for the sake of plot :)

Looking back on it, Korra realizes that she never really knew what gender _was_ \- before the guards of the White Lotus found her as a child in her family’s hut, before she was whisked away to train and focus and live in the shiny cage that had been constructed for her so that she could fulfill her destiny, she couldn’t say that she knew she was a girl. She remembers storming into the living room when the guards came, a flurry of water and fire spewing out of her- she remembers feeling powerful, rooted, carefree. She was a force, an entity that was at the whim of the elements whirring inside her- but never a “girl,” not until she had to be.

She remembers playing with the other kids in her tribe, rolling around in the snow with her short hair and exposed belly, laughing too loud at her friend Kinna‘s jokes, and beating up the stupid boy Marmuq when he claimed he was the strongest warrior in the whole tribe one day when they were sitting on the snow-covered cliffs where all the children would sneak off to play. She remembers hating tying her hair down in ponytails, with different ornaments and styles that made her mother beam but made Korra want to run for the hills, away from the smells of hair oils and perfumes and the bright assault of colored ribbons.

And then Korra was whisked away for training, and separated from Marmuq and Kinna, kept in the training compound with her parents and stoic guards for company. Her whole identity became being the Avatar- she focused on training, on being the best version of what everyone expected her to be. And part of what she was expected to be was a “girl”- not that she had the chance to be one much, but there were always those gatherings with Tenzin and all the strangers who came to visit, when her mother wrestled her down and pulled a tight dress and tunic over her head, covering her belly and her usually bare chest. And Korra didn’t question it- she was fine in these clothes, and she liked admiring the flowing dress-like robes that Tenzin and her mother wore. But she somehow felt like she was playing a part that she didn’t fully understand yet.

It wasn’t until she went to Republic City for the first time when she realized, among many other things, that gender is _everywhere._ It was in the way that men walk down the city streets with a secure swagger in their step, while women meekly hung on their arms with rouged lips and dresses that hugged their curves. It was in the way the storefronts advertised shiny jewels and fur scarves for women to wear around their necks, or jewels to put in their hair. And it was there in the way that Bolin invited Korra to watch him at the Pro-Bending Arena for the first time, because he saw something coded in her long hair and loose skirt that he had been taught to desire his whole life.

And Korra was fine with all this- she continued working out and practicing with Bolin and Mako, she painstakingly worked on her airbending and tried over and over again to connect with her “spiritual self.” She didn’t really think much about how she fit into the grand scheme of gender- she felt like she was herself, albeit a little more frustrated than usual because of Tenzin’s nagging. And then, as the Flaming Ferrets were being called up for a match, a snide, muscled member of the opposing team made some comment about them having a girl on the team- and Korra realized. _Right. People see me as a girl._

After that, Korra thinks a lot about gender throughout her years in Republic City- well, she thinks about a lot of things, like how the world is always seemingly about to implode, and how people who are trying to do the most good for the world almost always turn out bad- but aside from the list of pressing Avatar issues, there’s always the nagging thought in the back of her mind that she just needs to _figure this out_. Is she really a girl? She observes the women around her- Asami is on a whole different plane of existence from her, with her perfectly made-up face and shiny black hair constantly stopping men dead in the street. Korra doesn’t feel like that- she felt like she was wearing a costume on the sporadic occasions Asami attempted to come near her with a make-up brush. Korra observes Pema, and she sees a woman who’s secure in her womanhood- who is happy with her role as a mother, as wife, as the head of a family. She looks at Beifong, with her gruff voice and rough edges and boxy uniform- but even Beifong has this sureness about her, this steadfast confidence and length in her spine as she commands the police force. Korra can fight and can battle and can _win_ , but she’s never had that type of sureness in herself- she’s always trying to be the Avatar, to be a woman, to be all the things that people think “Korra” should be, but her feet had never been planted deeply in any part of her identity, not in the way that these women’s were.

After she opens the spirit portal, things start to get a little clearer- visiting the spirit world is always a rush, always reminds Korra that Raava is inside her and makes up so much of who she is. The spirits all have different shapes and sizes and forms; no one makes them wear dresses, or tailored suits, or expects their hair to be pristinely placed before a public function. Korra oddly envies this sense of freedom- but she pushes those thoughts down as soon as they emerge. _I’m Korra. I’m the Avatar. I exist for other people to look towards me and like what they see. I’m not supposed to be breaking any boundaries._

And then everything explodes in her face again, after Harmonic Convergence; she saves the world another time, from the Red Lotus, and this time it leaves scars that almost feel too deep to heal. She goes home. And now Korra has plenty of time to sit around, thinking about what she is, and more importantly what she isn’t. She feels the waterfall of words, perched on the tip of her tongue- _I don’t think I’m a girl. But I don’t really know what I am. I don’t know what I can change to make myself happy. And it doesn’t matter anyways._

She feels herself wanting to tell all of this to Asami- of all the people in her life, Asami is the one who seems to get this stuff, who’s always offering to listen if Korra needs it. She doesn’t even know how she would word it; _Dear Asami, I feel like I’m in-between in so many ways and everyone expects too much from me. Also, every time that I’m near you I feel all spacey and incoherent and like there’s a swarm of bees in my chest, even though everyone keeps making comments about me dating someone that makes sense, like Mako. Love, Korra. Ugh._

But in a way, Korra feels so lost in all the other parts of herself right now that it is almost comforting that this old sense of confusion about her gender is still with her. It feels horrible, but also good to feel so utterly and completely lost, to want to fully separate from everything she once was.

It’s time for her to go back to Republic City, and so much of her is resistant- she’s still not whole yet, still haunted to flashbacks of a hunched girl under someone else’s control, with glowing eyes and limp hair hanging in her face. She doesn’t want to be that girl anymore.

She sets sail from the South Pole on her own- really, truly on her own for the first time. Even when she arrived in Republic City for the very first time, she had Naga- but here, drifting over the rough gossamer waves en route to Republic City, she started to feel a glimpse of freedom.

 _What am I?!_ She thought to herself, to all of her selves who existed inside her but always remained silent. _Even the ever-so-sacred Avatar connection probably can’t fix this one._

Korra needed to shed something. She needed to let go. There was so, so much to let go of. And she turned her boat around.

When she reached land, she dropped her arm cuffs into the water, the ones she’d worn on her exposed arms since her mother gave them to her. She gathered her hair, finally free from its ties, and cut it with the knife she had brought along. The strands of hair floated down to rest on the water, some pieces caught in the wind and billowing around her with the gentle breeze. Her first thought was that she _liked_ it- she could feel the breeze dancing through her short hair, tickling her scalp. She would not be that limp, helpless shadow of a girl anymore.

When Korra met Toph amid the dense vines of the swamp, still on her journey, Toph told her that the only way she could get the poison out, the only way she could be free, was by bending it out herself. She had to bend out everything that she didn’t need, everything that was holding her back. She finally bends out the poison- Meelo, Ikki, Jinora, and even Toph are thrilled. And Korra instantly feels lighter- but she knows that there’s one more thing she needs to figure out before she returns to Republic City.

Long after everyone is sleeping soundly in Toph’s enclave, Meelo’s snores bouncing around the root-covered walls of the cavern, Korra slips outside and climbs to the base of the Banyan tree.

She doesn’t really know what she’s looking for- she’s free from that poison in her mind, free from being followed by the silhouette of the girl that she once was. But there’s just one more thing that still needs to click into place.

She sits cross legged on a soft patch of moss. Closes her eyes. She tries to sink into stillness; she thinks back to all the things Katara taught her. _Focus on your breathing. Let your body melt away._ Again, she gently pleads with the sleeping voices inside of her: _What am I?_

This time, there’s an answer.

It almost surprises her every time, the whirlpool inside of her that opens up, the depth of all the lives that are swirling deep inside her when they make themselves known.

Korra felt a wave of warmth wash over her, and she slowly peeked her eyes open. Kyoshi stood in front of her- a tall, looming presence looking down, glowing blue among the fireflies and night creatures in the swamp. Her eyes stared straight ahead, looking directly through Korra.

“Kyoshi?”

“ _Yes, Korra. I am here to give you some answers_.”

Korra breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Am I the only Avatar that’s ever felt this way? Like there is so much building up inside me, like I just don’t fit with the way that people look at me? I don’t know what to do.”

Kyoshi’s lips turned up into a small smile.

“ _No, Avatar Korra. You are not the first. We, as the Avatar’s spirit, are neither man nor woman. We restore the balance- and to do that, we are balanced ourselves, in the middle of so many spectrums. We love without limits, exist without limits. We are the light that shines beyond notions of identity- your human form is how people see you, but the essence of who you are, your spirit, is so much more_.”

Kyoshi’s voice drifted over the vines like a prayer, sent to answer all of Korra’s confusing thoughts.

“ _In my time, I felt the same as you did- I didn’t fit what people expected. I wore what they wanted me to, but I changed what they thought of a painted face and a traditional skirt- I made women into warriors. I created an island where they could live freely. But I still never quite belonged. I fell in love with a strong, powerful woman- and somehow, I didn’t feel like a woman, or a man either, but like I existed in the middle. Perhaps it was all of the past lives inside of both of us._

_But there are so many people who live this way- the best fighters, the best people who have to push past boundaries, are just like us. When I walked the earth, people didn’t want to let me exist in the middle, or let all of my love out- they couldn’t see who I truly was. Korra, that can all change with you. You know who you are. Be who you want to be, Avatar.”_

Kyoshi faded, leaving behind only the soft crickets and whirring of the spirits in the swamp. Korra had her answer. And when this battle with Kuvira was done, once she restored balance for the world- then she would restore balance in herself.

-

It takes months of being in the Spirit World with Asami, but Korra finally gets used to living the way she has always wanted to live. She starts to recognize her own reflection- she was used to cringing away from the limp locks of muddy brown hair that hung down to her shoulders, now replaced with a soft pang of joy in her chest when she meets her own eyes in the mirror and sees her head crowned with short tufts of hair. In the Spirit World she wears what she wants to wear, she acts how she wants to act, and she holds Asami’s hand like it has fit in hers her entire existence.

_I’m Korra. I’m the Avatar. And I get to be exactly who I am._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Also, just a note that I am genderqueer/non-binary so the experience I recount is referential to my own, but everyone experiences gender/the impacts of gender roles in a different way & I want to make note of that! Just getting those good gay feels down.
> 
> Also u can find me on tumblr:)


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